You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
