I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
