need another drink. this is the easiest way
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
