If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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