Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
