You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
