Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
