so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
