Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
