2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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