His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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