using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
