I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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