Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
