Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
