I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
