Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
