just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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