Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
