I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
