Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
