Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize