I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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