i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
