Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
