Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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