i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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