I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize