dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
