so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
