True but thats because hes a fetus.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
