I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
