Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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