Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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