I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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