Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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