Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
