I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
