My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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