How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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