Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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