toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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