Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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