I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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