I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
