i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
