i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
