I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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