I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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