if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
