Need sex. Gaining weight.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
