I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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