My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
