I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
