woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
