Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize