Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
