Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
