you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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